I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
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