they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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