genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
