I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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