I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
