When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Randomize
