Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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