True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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