it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
