i don't plan on having that self control this summer
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Randomize
