White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
