I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
