im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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