So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
