I am spending my child support on dildos
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
