She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
