Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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