I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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