naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
