I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
