my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
