dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
