everyone is single if you try hard enough
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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