I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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