No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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