My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Randomize
