just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
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