I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
