Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
