You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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