We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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