i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
