Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
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