i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
