So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
