dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Randomize
