There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
