i need an iv and a liver transplant
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
