dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
