I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
