My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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