why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Randomize
