He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Randomize
