He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
