Got a toothbrush?
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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