Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
