so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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