I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
