She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Vodka?
Forever.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
