Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
If that was your dad, he is hot
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Randomize
