I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Randomize
