before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
