this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
