If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Randomize
