How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
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How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
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My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
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