Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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