I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
