So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
